Planes, Airports & Hotels

I TRAVEL MORE THAN MOST, I THINK. ACCORDING to my calculation I spent 120 of the last 156 weeks (since 2004) away from home – much of it on planes. So I’m qualified to share my list of best and worst airlines, airports and hotels. Perhaps I can save you some trouble.

What has happened since the days when we were taught that the only polite way to join a queue was from the back? In Asia, the concept has never existed, but lately everyone in the world seems to think themselves above something as tawdry as waiting in line. In airports, anyway. At ticket counters, passport control or security stations they join from the side, or suddenly discover a new best friend near the front, or just walk straight past 60 other people to slip through. Nothing kills goodwill towards mankind quite like waiting for 45 minutes to be strip-searched and then watching some bozo cruise straight past you.

But I digress.

The worst airline in the world is India Air, especially on the route to New Delhi. I’m told it has improved recently, but because I now strictly fl y Air Malaysia I wouldn’t know. India Air was exceptionally dirty, the seats were small and broken and it felt like sitting on bare metal – in business class. On my last flight the entertainment system (overhead movie projectors, naturally) was broken, so we spent five hours staring at each other while trying to block out the odour of spicy Sichuan noodles and red-hot chicken curry. Never again.

The second worst airline in the world is SAA. Perhaps not on all routes, but between Johannesburg and Hong Kong there is nothing to match it. In a record one-hour and 15 minutes you are served drinks, dinner and desert, and then the lights go out. For the next ten hours you dare not disturb an attendant – all of whom are getting some much needed sleep, as we gathered from the look of sleepy-eyed disgust any request was met with. On three consecutive flights I had seats that could not recline and had a broken entertainment system. No sleep, no distraction. Never again.

By contrast, the best airlines out there are Singapore and Emirates. The planes are immaculate, the service is astonishing, the food is unrivalled and the entertainment proves that there is such a thing as too much choice.

The worst airport in the world is New Delhi. Your passport gets checked at least 15 times, the business lounge is a joke and even though there is water everywhere there is not a drop to drink if your stomach is Western.

But New Delhi is somewhat out of the way. In the “frequented” category there is nothing to rival Heathrow. There you need to set aside a minimum of three hours to catch a connecting flight or suffer the consequences. Don’t expect your baggage to arrive; by my calculations your chances are around forty percent. Security is worse than even in some of the former Soviet states. I’m not holding my breath for the fabled Terminal 5 to open because I already use the London City Airport exclusively.

The best airport in the world is a tie between Hong Kong, Singapore and Schipol. Everything is efficient and convenience and just generally trouble free. A special mention must also go to Eastern European states like the Ukraine, which has one of the best business lounges in Europe.

The worst hotel, sadly, is in my favourite city, Shanghai. The first night I stayed in the RuTai, the shower popped out of the wall just as I had myself entirely covered with soap. I opened my eyes to find the bath I was standing in was filled with wall tiles. The next night I returned to my new room to find the entire floor flooded by a toilet that had literally exploded. Breakfast consists of spinach, broccoli and blue eggs. Thanks, but no thanks.

The best hotels are the Conrad in Hong Kong and the Arrarat in Moscow. Everything is impeccable, from the bathrooms to the high speed (and free) internet connection. The staff can’t conceive of any guest request as troublesome or difficult.

As you fall prey to pathetic service and horrible infrastructure in your own travels, though, remember to look on the bright side. There is no point to travelling if you don’t come back with stories to tell. And stories of good fortune are never as entertaining as ones of plague and disaster. The bad experiences invariably give you better bang for your buck – it’s just damned hard to realise this at the time.